Grief, Pets, and the Healing Power of Tears

Today I want to approach a topic that I am sure you have all talked about. When is it okay to cry with grief? Why are we so hesitant to cry? Is it okay to cry over “just an animal?”

I have mentioned in previous blogs that I have been following Anderson Cooper’s podcast on grief, “All That Is.” Anderson himself mentions that even though he had significant losses in his life, including losing his father and his brother to suicide, he refused to cry about it for over 20 years. That is why he went on assignments in foreign countries, he wanted to see how others handled their grief, while he suppressed his.

I also decided not to cry for over a decade, not to stave off grief, but to stop my respiratory illnesses from getting worse. My parents would say, “Go ahead and cry – you’ll just make yourself sick” and I would. If I cried as a kid, I would stuff up and be sick for at least a week. I turned off my waterworks and only cried when I absolutely had to.

Then as an adult I worked with my Kahuna. She pointed out that crying only made me sick because I believed it would. Then I changed my belief system. It was amazing! I could cry and not get sick with a debilitating respiratory illness I had become accustomed to.

Apparently because I hadn’t cried for twenty years, now I have started crying at the drop of a hat. I was making up for all those years I remained dry eyed. I would cry when giving a speech about a topic I felt deeply about.

Tears would leak out because at this time I was also getting more empathic. A client who had lost a dog (I had yet to know about it) handed me a paper and I burst into tears. Fun times. Yet it is sacred to feel how others feel. You can no longer ignore their suffering and emotional turmoil.

I mention this because I saw Anderson Cooper on Steven Colbert. Anderson was choking up talking about his podcast, so much so that Colbert mentioned it. It makes me wonder how large the flood of tears is behind Cooper’s 20-year wall. He mentioned that he had to open-up his well of tears because if you don’t express your grief, you are not in contact with the higher dimensions of your “good” emotions such as happiness either.

Today it is known that crying as a mechanism allows us to release stress and emotional pain. It is a safety valve, so that we do not keep difficult feelings inside. There are different types of tears. Emotional tears flush hormones and toxins out of our system, clearing the atmosphere like a summer shower. This has health benefits. It has been established by researchers that crying releases oxytocin and endorphins. Endorphins are feel-good hormones that ease both physical and emotional pain.

Spiritually, tears come when something is over. It is a release, an ending to what has been happening. A knowing that the sun will come out again and a very solid step towards living once again in the light. I always feel refreshed after a very heavy cry, like the air after a Midwestern summer storm.

Many people still feel awkward about crying over “just an animal.” Or, they feel strongly about their pet, but they don’t want to show “weakness” by crying in front of others. Embarrassing as it feels, crying in front of others creates or strengthens bonds. It promotes attachment, empathy, and bonding behavior. We actually honor people when we trust them enough to show our pain and allow them to offer comfort.

If you cry with people who you trust your emotions with, you will be less likely to cry at inappropriate times (unless you are an empath. Sometimes other people’s emotions still overwhelm me; it isn’t something that you get used to).

There are times and places you shouldn’t cry. When I was a karate instructor, my partner would take a rank away from someone if they cried during class. You may be hurting but you must keep your wits about you and keep going forward if you are sparring or in a self-defense situation. Work is another place where it is inopportune to cry. When you make friends with your grief and tears, they won’t blind side you when you least expect them.

When I started having a booth at the horse expos, I found that many people who lost horses had never cried. I keep a box of Kleenex at my booth, because pretty much everyone who talks to people on the other side with me cries. The people who talk to their horses on the other side would deeply cry, not pretty cry but big wracking sobs of grief.

Then they would stop by later in the day, and they would be beaming, so glad that they had let go of the anchor of grief that they had swallowed whole. The pets on the other side often mention that they are in heaven and in pure joy- can I please do something for their humans to help them be happy again. It actually keeps us from feeling how happy our animals are in heaven, the grief that settles in us when it is not expressed.

There is another aspect to repressing crying and grieving. “A current meta-analysis revealed significant associations between repressive coping, cancer, and cardiovascular diseases, especially hypertension. These results add to the notion of repressive coping possibly resulting in a consequence of cancer, as well as to its significant role for the issue of hypertension.”

 Health Psychol, 2012 Sep;31(5):640-9. Doi: 10.1037/a0026257.

 How we process our grief effects our health. We only have so much energy, and if we tie it up in grief it is not available to keep our body healthy. You may just need to have a really good cry.

Saying goodbye to a cherished pet means saying goodbye to a piece of our daily lives, our routines, and our hearts and that kind of love deserves to be honored. When we acknowledge the depth of our grief, we also acknowledge the irreplaceable bond we shared. At Pet Perennials, we believe every pet’s memory should be celebrated with warmth, comfort, and meaning. Our thoughtful sympathy gifts and remembrance products are designed to help grieving families feel seen, supported, and never alone in their healing journey. Because the love we have for our pets doesn’t end; it lives on in the memories we choose to keep alive.

Ann Hoff is a well-known Animal Communicator, Intuitive Medium, and a regular contributor to our FB Group “I Am not Crazy Because I Talk to Animals” and leads a monthly Zoom call with members wishing to chat with a pet, or simply ask Ann a question. This month's content addresses the earthly lessons we learn through loss.